A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago? "The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for. "
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated. "
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes? "The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything. "
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A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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A Japanese guy is at Los
Angeles
International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to
Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here? "
"Fluctuations. " says the clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too! "
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'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'
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"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work? "
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months. "
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"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.' 'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'"
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"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company. "
"Would you spell that, please? "
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you. "
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor..."
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"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me. "
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BOSSES & TECHNOLOGY Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? " Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. "Boss: "Oh, that's right. "Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch. "
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As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "
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As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "
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As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. "The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair? "
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Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e. g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do. " One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. " Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith."
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep? "
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. "
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Always give 100% at work...12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work!
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "
"But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how. "
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A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year. ". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man! " The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it! "
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A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.... Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today "Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. "Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK? "Says She: "Well, the air bag works... "
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A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening night of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc. " and kept right on going. After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally. "Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours? "
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A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle? "
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog! "
"Not a chance! ", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there. "
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog! "
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A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Frank lives? " one of the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home? "
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A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here? " "Yep ".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs? " "Yep ". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor? "
"Yep ".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here? " "Yep ". "Would you like me to help you upstairs? "
"Yep ". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft! "
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A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here? " "Yep ". "Would you like me to help you upstairs? " "Yep ". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor? " "Yep ". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here? " "Yep ". "Would you like me to help you upstairs? " "Yep ". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft! "
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender."
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender."
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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go? "
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers. "
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go? "
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway? "
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when
I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror. "
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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
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A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know? "Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
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A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot! "To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler! "
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A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear? "
"Yes "
"What are you doing at the movies? "
"Well, I liked the book! "
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A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...
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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something. "The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around. "
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A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg! "
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. "
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A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog. He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head. The druggist says "May I help you? " The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around. "
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He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap. There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally. His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood. The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains. If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM! He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister. A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me? " And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up? " Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women. He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't know what to feed them. He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers. He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese! He won't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis. The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was. When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich? " he said "Let's see the sandwich. "
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Do you like my new jacket? It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.
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By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere " he pleaded. " -- Or just a bed - I don't care where. " "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. " "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it. " The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep? " asked the manager. "Never better. " The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then? " "Nope, I shut him up in no time " said Dave. "How'd you manage that? " asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained. " I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me. "
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An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."
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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to WalMart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for every thing you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you. "
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. "
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A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step,
ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear. "
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A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. "
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is. "
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear. "
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A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job. " The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year. " The guy says, "You're bullshitting me! " The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it. "
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!! " The blind man replies, "Just looking around. "
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A Texan walks into a pub in
Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ".
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first "."
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A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that? s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. "A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor. "
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A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing. "He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them. "He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay? "He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off. "And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off."
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A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are. " said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory. "
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married. "
"Then how do you account for all of these things? "
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask fora packet of aspirins? "
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A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it? "The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait "
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A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll? " Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient. " "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch. "
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A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise? "
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A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop " noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. "Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop " noise. "Wait a minute! " says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often? "
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom. "
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms! "
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business! "
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A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone. "
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes. "
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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. "The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "
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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "
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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker. "What time does the bar open? " he asks. "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at? "The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you. "
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!! "
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After a long pub crawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officer, could you tell us if the moon is red or green? " The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one? "
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A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that! "
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A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem. " "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too. " Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have? " "Fifty cents," the man answers."
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A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink? "
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian. "
"Oh, really? " he asked, "How are things in Beiruit? "
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A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone together around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my bar? " The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat! "
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A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass. "The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right! "
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A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here? " he asks. The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit. " The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT! " The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next! "
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A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped him:"What's going on out there? " it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!! "the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out! "
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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem? "
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000. "
"Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000. "
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed. "
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000. "
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad. "
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing! "
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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "
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A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once. "A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice. "After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do. "The farmer said, "That's once. "
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A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand. "
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it. "
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water. "Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind! "
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay. "
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! " The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning. "
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"
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"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"
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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things! "
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Knock Knock Who's there? Athens! Athens who? Athens I love you! Knock Knock Who's there? Atlas! Atlas? Atlas it's the weekend! Knock Knock Who's there? Atomic! Atomic who? Atomic ache! Knock Knock Who's there? Axl! Axl who? Axl me nicely and I might just tell you! Knock Knock Who's there? Anita! Anita who? Anita you like I need a hole in the head!
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Knock Knock Who's there? Avocado! Avocado who? Avocado a cold! Knock Knock Who's there? Axel! Axel who? Axeldental Tourist! Knock Knock Who's there? Atch! Atch who? I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold! Knock Knock Who's there? Athena! Athena who? Athena flying saucer! Knock Knock Who's there? Argo! Argo who? Argo down the shops!
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Knock Knock Who's there? Audrey! Audrey who? Audrey be doing this! Knock Knock Who's there? Augusta! Augusta who? Augusta go home now! Knock Knock Who's there? Aunt Lou! Aunt Lou who? Aunt Lou do you think you are! Knock Knock Who's there? Ashley! Ashley who? Ashley-t's foot! Knock Knock Who's there? Asia! Asia who? Asia you going to let me in then!
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Knock Knock Who's there? Athens! Athens who? Athens I love you! Knock Knock Who's there? Atlas! Atlas? Atlas it's the weekend! Knock Knock Who's there? Atomic! Atomic who? Atomic ache! Knock Knock Who's there? Axl! Axl who? Axl me nicely and I might just tell you! Knock Knock Who's there? Anita! Anita who? Anita you like I need a hole in the head!
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Knock Knock Who's there? Aries! Aries who? Aries a reason why I talk this way! Knock Knock Who's there? Arizona! Arizona who? Arizona room for one of us in this town! Knock Knock Who's there? Anka! Anka who? Anka the ship! Knock Knock Who's there? Ankansas! Ankansas who? Ankansas though any piece of wood! Knock Knock Who's there? Amory! Amory who? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie. "
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too. "
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A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake " says the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level higher. " To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. "
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A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring? " asked the king.
"Sire! " replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west. " "What? " shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west! " "Oh! "
said the knight, "Well, you do now. "
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, "What's in the bag? " The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes? " The man says, "I don't know. Rub the lamp and see. " So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, "You may have one wish. "The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks. " The man replies, "Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist. "
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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem? " the pretty blonde receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor. " "It's rather embarrassing " the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection. " "Well, the doctor is very busy today " the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in. "
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A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jacket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life " and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son "
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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things! "
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where at rain stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
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A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage. "
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing! "
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"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When.. "You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this? ", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn ". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick " day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday? ". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party."
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"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. "THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others.:)"
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"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"
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