Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,
bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he
finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and
found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the
collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach
standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang
again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he
was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in
pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The
cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and
left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events
of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits
down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that
he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there
are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural
human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to
certain death.

However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself,
pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns
and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed.
The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the
process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy
returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before
he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's
simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you
catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with
no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well,
these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped
out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits
down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a
real ------- when you're drunk!"

First Job

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"